I had a friend die in a car crash a fortnight ago. However, I only found out last Monday and went on to the funeral later in the week.
As a result, I have been feeling strange. I guess I am going through the various stages of grief. I have been feeling guilty at times because I did not catch up with him more often as I hadn't seen him in a year. At one stage we were extremely close but we had drifted apart for years. In past year, he had actually changed quiet a bit and become extremely religious. This didn't really bother me but it was certainly a change from the boy I knew a few years ago.
Also think I might have picked on him a bit too but I don't think I was anywhere near as bad as others were. At stage, I blamed myself for his death as I told him I didn't want to live with him 3 years ago when we both looking for somewhere to live. In a stretch of the butterfly effect, I figure perhaps if I had of said okay, he would not have been on the trip he took when he had died.
At other stages, I have taken pleasure in the fact that his death has allowed me to catch with a lot of former mates that I have not seen in a long while. This joy then causes me guilt as well.
I have racked my brains for the last times I saw him and had some quality time with him. One of these was Steve Waugh's last innings that we watched at my then house back in 2005. This is significant as the first time we talked about anything it was cricket back in 1999.
Overall, I have just been feeling sad that I will never see him again and never be able to just spend a quiet few minutes talking to him about something. Despite not seeing him in a long time, I will miss him.